The Grammening

Wednesday, March 21 started out like any other day for Jeff. He woke up at 3 AM, threw on some clothes, and ran downstairs to unlock his bike. The ride to the bakery in Bushwick was quick at this hour. Jeff waved to the other denizens on the block as he unlocked the shop, and the first employees trudged in about 15 minutes later. Within no time, the place was emitting its usual hum, the machines whirring while the employees worked to bake bread, bagels, and other confectionaries.

Then came a knock at the door.

Jeff looked at his watch. It was 4:46, still almost an hour until opening. He opened the door cautiously to find a young woman in a pink knit cap and scarf standing out front. Her eyes perked up when she saw Jeff appear.

“Umm, yes?” Jeff asked. Maybe this girl had gotten lost after a night of partying and needed directions back to the subway, he thought.

“Hi! Are you open yet? Am I the first one on line? Did you run out?” Her perky questions shook the last vestiges of sleep from Jeff’s eyes and he back stared at her quizzically.

“Miss, we don’t open for another hour. We haven’t run out of anything.”

“OK great! I’ll just wait out here then!”

Jeff looked at her again. Maybe she was just really hungry and had set her alarm too early. Since she was content waiting outside in the cold, he left her to it and went back inside.

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The Forbes 3 Under 3

Illustration by Joseph Thomson

At Forbes, we live for lists! Who could forget “The 400 Most Disgustingly Rich Americans,” “The 666 Top-Earning Dead Celebrities,” or “The Fictional 15,” where for some reason we calculated the net worth of the richest characters in fiction?

Our latest list, “The Forbes 3 Under 3,” continues this proud and strange tradition. When we’re asked, “Why so young?” all we can say is, “Why so rich?” Enjoy! And be on the lookout for our newest list, “The Forbes 10 Under 10 Pounds” next month!Continue reading →

Four things I learned about America by running a Facebook ad campaign

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Contrary to my slate of Medium articles criticizing Mark Zuckerberg’s choice of breakfast cereals, I have to admire the way he convinced everyone in America to give Facebook all sorts of personal details about themselves for free so that Facebook could create an incredibly targeted ad platform. Genius.

Last month, I decided to get in on the action and see how many downloads of my short story $30 could get me.Continue reading →

To the parent standing next to me at the slide not paying attention

slide
Illustration by Cullen Johnson

Hi, I’m Jon. Those are my kids over there. Your kids are here too? Yes, that’s what I thought. See, the thing is, my kids are trying to use the slide. You’ve heard of slides, right? Classic playground feature. There are lots of variations in the materials, angles, and colors, but they all have one thing in common: you are supposed to go down the slide, not up.Continue reading →

When did Lyle Lanley start selling free Internet to India?

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Mark Zuckerberg:
You know, a town with that needs Internet’s a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

Homer:
Heh-heh, mule.

Mark Zuckerberg:
The name’s Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest — Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more a Pakistan idea.Continue reading →