Quick take: Ashley paid half the bill of last night’s first date, and now Matthew feels weird. Will and Harry are in some weird wife swapping program. Caroline and Steve are married and have separate bank accounts, but still find time to split the cost of tango lessons. Dwolla
We are located in Iowa, so the state pays us not to move, which we pass along to you in the form of free votes in the Iowa Caucus. We’re like a bank except we’re not a bank and you can pool your money into our massive joint account that we totally won’t steal when you’re sleeping and oh by the way we don’t have insurance on that, but did we mention we are located in Iowa?
Chris Sacca loves us and you should too! If you use us, you can accept credit card payments on your website! We’ll just take a small cut, which is the same cut that your credit card company would take and probably more than PayPal. So we’re basically a cooler version of Visa, except it’s on the Internet! Square
Our CEO is also the Twitter CEO, so it’s like we are two companies in one. We sell those cool iPad dongles that your local coffee shop uses to take credit card payments. Fingers crossed that Apple doesn’t get wise and just build a credit card reader into their next iPad! Soon you’ll be able to buy stuff through tweets assuming Twitter hasn’t been bought by Google or the Chinese by that point!
We’re our own company now, yay! Now we are free to innovate again, except without our pioneering executives Elon Musk and Peter Thiel, who are trying to figure out a way to live forever so they rule over humanity. Before you send that payment for your fantasy football league, why don’t you sign up for our all-new, cutting edge, product, the PayPal credit card? It’s like a credit card except that there’s no physical card and we charge exorbitant interest rates just like every other credit card company!
You didn’t even realize that we processed payments on other sites, did you? We take a loss on each payment to build market share, and by 2045, we’ll be processing 95% of all Internet payments, at a loss of $62 million per quarter.
Google Wallet/Android Pay
We offer two different services because we are now called Alphabet and we are pitting our divisions against each other in an all-out brawl. Use the NFC chip in your phone to pay for stuff, if your Android phone has one of those. It doesn’t? Oh, hmm. Then just keep using us to search for stuff so we can sell your information and serve you creepy ads, which will allow us to build self-driving cars that destroy mankind’s independence.
Use all your existing payment methods with a fingerprint! It’s so easy and completely unhackable because your fingerprint is stored on a special chip made of pieces of old Apple II Plus computers that Jony Ive bought at a garage sale in San Jose. Don’t worry about your fingerprint being backed up in the cloud, because we are f***ing terrible at the cloud, it’s not even funny.
Chase Quick Pay
Here’s Serena Williams trying to hit
a two-handed backhand, the hardest shot in tennis for people younger than 11. Now that she’s finally mastered it, sending money with Quick Pay is a cinch! Just login to your bank account through a very secure WiFi network and send money to the dozens of other customers who have Quick Pay! Citi Pop Money
Hey, we hired tennis players to star in our commercials too!
Chase Quick Pay
We use blockchain to provide a record of all previous transactions with your particular coin, so you can be assured that your coin is not fake. And, let’s be honest, you have no f***ing clue what that previous sentence means. One bitcoin is currently worth $235, and you can get 25 coins for free (through a process called mining) by downloading a program onto your computer that will solve a complex cryptographic puzzle. But only if you have created a custom computer rig with 17 processors that is cooled with vats of sea water that is located in Iceland. Your MacBook Air is an acceptable substitute, and will mine the coins in only 936 years.
We’re in stealth mode, shhh! We raised a
lot of money from the Valley and we’ve put it to good use. See this picture of our intrepid founder:
Oh wait, we’re out of stealth mode now and are selling cool-looking debit cards to college kids! Look, a unicorn!
Originally published on . Medium