We’re from Facebook and we’re here to help (take over the Internet)

Source: Amanda Slater
Source: Amanda Slater

Welcome back to Feed. We’re no longer focused on giving you a space on the Internet to call your own. No, we just want you to give us information about yourself so we can better tailor the feed of content we’ll be serving you 24/7 through our various apps and platforms. We’re trying to create a new version of the Internet that is accessible to everyone and by that we mean that we want to be the only thing on the Internet.  

There’s a lot to go over since you last opened our app. Just scroll down with your thumb, that’s it, just one flick, and the world is yours. You can scroll for hours and hours. With thousands of “friends,” there is always something to read, look at, or watch. Look! That girl you went to high school with just posted an article from some other site about something that’s mildly interesting. But don’t click that link! It will take you away from the Feed and out into the wild expanses of the Internet. Do you know what’s out there? Rapists and murderers.

Also ads. Really bad ads that track what you’re doing across every site you visit and then serve ads to you on a different site. It’s so eerie. We don’t do that at Feed because we want you to stay in our cozy little corner of the Internet. You don’t have to worry about hundreds of different websites tracking you. It’ll just be us and we’re your friend! See, we’re trying to get everyone in the world on the Internet so we can give them free water and free Internet from a friendly-looking weather balloon that will hover above their village and that definitely doesn’t also have a very advanced camera with facial recognition that abusive governments won’t be able to hack.

Besides, our ads are different. We have an algorithm crunching how much time you look at every entry in your feed, and then we display ads for things you liked based on your emotional reaction. To do that, we access your camera so that we can see your face and then run it through our other algorithm that we copied from the computer that Linus from Lost built when he was on that show Person of Interest.

Anyway, back to that link. You don’t need to click it because one of your other friends shared the same article at part of our brand-new hosted articles platform. What that means is that we convinced the site that originally posted the story into posting the article directly on Feed. That way, the article will load milliseconds faster than if you clicked on the external link, all while keeping you in our safe little cocoon. It’s not because we purposefully throttled the loading time of these external links. No we wouldn’t do that.

Speaking of fast, have you checked out our new video platform? You may have noticed all those videos appearing in your feed and wasting your data. They play automatically when you flick past them, so you don’t even have to take the annoyingly frustrating step of pressing play. Of course, we automatically mute the videos because otherwise it would be very noisey. And you don’t really need the sound, because all the companies that are posting videos on Feed assume you are too lazy to unmute and are including overlay text every few seconds to explain what’s going on. We are really looking forward to seeing what amazing fonts people come up with!

Frankly, we’re not even sure how you saw that first link in the first place. You’ve probably noticed this, but several years ago, we stopped showing you all of your friends’ posts. Instead, our third super-secret algorithm determines which posts are actually worth viewing using the following code:

Code snippet

We know you only have a limited amount of time to mindlessly scroll through your feed while you avoid human interaction during the drudgery of your day and we want to maximize that time so that you are a better informed citizen and consumer. Happy scrolling!

Originally published on Medium.


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