KIDS 1 AND 2 SLOWLY OPEN DOOR. KID 3, A BABY, IS SLEEPING IN A CRIB INSIDE THE ROOM. KIDS 1 AND 2 WALK OVER AND PEER OVER TOP OF CRIB, LOOKING MENACINGLY AT KID 3.
KID 1: Sup.
KID 2: Hi.
KID 1: So, you’re new here. That’s cool. We thought we would stop by to, you know, give you a proper welcome.
KID 3 WAKES UP AND STARES UP AT KIDS 1 AND 2, THEN TURNS HEAD AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP.
KID 2: Hey, wake up, kid. We’re talking to you.
KID 2 BANGS CRIB WITH PLASTIC TOY CLAW FOR SEVERAL SECONDS. KID 3 WAKES UP AGAIN AND SITS UP.
KID 1: That’s more like it. Now, as I was saying, you’re the rookie, the newbie, the cub. We, on the other hand, run this joint. This was our playroom before you were even a thought in Mommy and Daddy’s mind.
KID 2: What our elder sibling is trying to say is that we’re not opposed to change. Heck, we welcome it. It’s just you need to know that you being born and all has had some serious consequences for us. And we’re not sure we like where all of this is heading.
KID 3 LOOKS UP AT PLASTIC CLAW AND TRIES TO GRAB IT, BUT FAILS.
KID 1: See, case in point. That’s not your claw, it’s ours. Like this room. You may think it’s yours, but the second we see an opening, we’re moving all of our toys back in here from the alcove where we’ve been relegated to playing for the past few weeks.
KID 2: Do you know how big an alcove is? Trick question, it’s an alcove. There’s barely enough room to dump out one box of toys while still having space to walk around without tripping. But fine, you might not know that, seeing as how you spend all your time either in this crib or with Mommy in her room.
KID 1: I think the real issue here is your limited worldview. In your mind, the world revolves around you. We get it. You can’t even get out of this crib without someone picking you up. We, on the other hand, can put on our socks and our shoes almost by ourselves! We’re out there building connections on the playground and sowing the seeds of future empires, and you can barely hold up your own head!
KID 1 STARTS ANGRILY PACING AROUND THE ROOM. KID 2 TRIES A SOFTER APPROACH.
KID 2: Kid, can I call you Kid? Look, in every relationship, there’s a give-and-take. We just think you’re pretty much 100% on the taking from Mommy and Daddy and zilch on the giving. That’s why we wanted to have this sit down today. To go over some action items that we feel will make this a more welcoming environment for all of the kids in this household.
KID 1, HAVING CALMED DOWN, WALKS BACK OVER TO THE CRIB.
KID 1: For starters, this crying in the middle of the night nonsense. Not gonna fly. I know you soil yourself every five seconds but that’s why Mommy and Daddy bought those super-fancy diapers – they practically inhale the pee-pee right after it hits the diaper. Just next time you feel a little wet, give it 30 seconds and I think you’ll see that there’s nothing to cry about.
KID 2: Also, I don’t know, I’m just throwing this out there, why not trying to sleep more during the afternoon? Every day we get home from school and do we even get a second of alone time with Mommy? Nope, because you decided that 4 PM is the best time to stay awake for more than five minutes. She barely gives us the time of day before shuffling us in to the alcove and turning on the sad excuse for a TV they put in there. So maybe tomorrow, you try an-
KID 3 NOTICES A STUFFED ANIMAL IN THE CORNER OF THE CRIB AND ROLLS OVER TO PLAY WITH IT, IGNORING KIDS 1 AND 2.
KID 1: This is what we’re talking about. It’s in one ear and out the other with you. We came here, to your turf, to make a peace offering, and you just keep ignoring us. I’ve had it. We both have. It’s time to fight fire with fire.
KID 1 TAKES THE CLAW FROM KID 2 AND USES IT TO GRAB THE STUFFED ANIMAL. KID 3 IMMEDIATELY STARTS CRYING.
KID 2: You can save the waterworks, Kid. Mommy and Daddy can’t hear you; they’re both passed out in their room on account of you waking up three times last night. Seems like that little strategy of yours backfired, didn’t it?
KID 1: Yep, and now you’re going to pay the price.
KID 1 TAKES THE HEAD OF THE STUFFED ANIMAL AND TRIES TO RIP IT OFF. IT DOES NOT COME OFF. KID 1 TRIES AGAIN. STILL NOTHING.
KID 1: Since when do they make these things so well? All of our toys fell apart after a few weeks.
KID 2: New-age manufacturing techniques, I guess. Pull harder or you’re gonna ruin the dramatic buildup.
KID 1: I’m trying, give me a second.
KID 1 TRIES ONE MORE TIME BUT THE HEAD WON’T COME OFF.
INSTEAD, THE MOMENTUM FROM PULLING SENDS KID 1 FLYING BACKWARDS INTO KID 2. BOTH OLDER KIDS ARE KNOCKED TO THE GROUND AND IMMEDIATELY BEGIN CRYING.
THE PARENTS, PREVIOUSLY ASLEEP IN THEIR ROOM, WAKE UP AND LOOK AT THE BABY MONITOR.
MOM: Oh, look. They’re all playing in the baby’s room together. How cute!
DAD: Then why are they all crying? And why are we awake?
MOM: Don’t know. I’m sure they’ll figure it out.
THE PARENTS FALL BACK ASLEEP.
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